Welcome to 13 Emails

Ummm I'm calling in sick - for the next 2 months

To: Progressive Insurance's human resource department
Subject: Won't be making it in to work today

Sick and emotionally unfit for work - really!Hi, this is Michael in Claims. I’m not gonna come in to work today. I’m not feeling good and what not. My stomach is kind of gurgling, and I have a headache. I’m thinking it might be swine flu or something.

Also, I’m not gonna be coming in tomorrow or next week either. My grandma’s sick and in the hospital, and I’m really emotional about the whole thing. Read more

Hydrochloric acid and Finesse shampoo - a bad combination

To: Finesse shampoo
Subject: Problem with your shampoo

At least I don't have to worry about dandruff any moreI know. I know. You should always follow the directions on a bottle of shampoo.

But, I’ve got dandruff like you wouldn’t believe. We’re talking frosted flake-sized dandruff here. So, I thought to get rid of dandruff once and for all, it might help to give your Finesse shampoo a little extra kick: 23 milligrams of hydrochloric acid.

In hindsight, this was a little foolish. I should have known when I saw the melting bottle and nauseous fumes. As I was washing my hair with the acid-spiked shampoo, it actually felt kind of good – at first. Read more

The efficient mall Santa

To: Mall of America human resources department
Subject: I'm your Santa

Your five seconds are up. Now get off my lap!The Christmas season is rapidly approaching, and I'd like to apply for the position of mall Santa.

I'm unusually good with kids. I think it's the disciplinarian in me. I ward off insolence from children the right way: through the use of swift and aggressive humiliation. I find that it's the quickest way to shut a bratty kid up.

Once I've put them in their place with really biting and personally insulting remarks, kids tend to do exactly as I tell them - after crying for ten minutes or so. Read more

Cleveland Browns rebirth tailgate party

To: Cleveland Browns
Subject: Need help for my Browns rebirth tailgate party

After some hallucinogenic drugs & a dog birthing spectacle, this guy may once again believe!I don’t need to tell you that our precious Cleveland Browns aren’t having a great year. It’s been terrible thus far, really. But unlike the pessimistic goons on local sports radio, I feel that good things are about to happen for this team. Yes, I still believe!

To help promote my optimism to the beer swigging fans that inhabit the Dawg Pound, I’d like to host a “Browns rebirth” tailgate party in the parking lot of Cleveland Browns Stadium just before the upcoming Ravens game. Read more

The next episode of Dr. Phil: John Farnswell & the brown t-shirt effect!

To: The producers of the Dr. Phil show
Subject: I would make an ideal guest on Dr. Phil

"John Farnswell, YOU are a douche bag"I think I would make for a great guest on the Dr. Phil show. In particular, I think I would be ideal for the episode you will soon be filming entitled “Embarrassed and Feel Like You're the Only One?”

Ever since college, perhaps my single greatest talent has been growing body hair. I’ll admit those first few strands that popped up around my nipples and chest were a source of pride. They were a sign that I was finally becoming a man.

But soon my excitement turned to horror as my chest hair slowly spread, annexing more and more regions of my body. Read more

The Hawaii Chair has a side effect

To: Perfect USA
Subject: My hips won't stop rotating

The Hawaii Chair: Who knew pretending to exercise could be so fun?I've been using your Hawaii Chair for some time now, and I'm convinced that it is the most awesome pseudo-ab workout since the AbGymnic electro-shock belt.

I'm proud to admit that I am most likely your best customer. I have Hawaii Chairs in my office cubicle, at my dining room table and in my "sexual liaison / adult swinger" themed basement. Read more

Please help my precious Winnie

To: Compaq customer service
Subject: Emergency, f@#%ing emergency!!!!

The sadness of losing Winnie is only 1/2 as bad as the pain of not poopingI love my Compaq laptop. It’s been my single greatest purchase since I bought the movie “Idiocracy” on DVD in 2007. I just can’t live without it.

So naturally, when my beloved laptop, failed to boot up today, I reacted predictably: ripping off all my clothes in a fit of rage and then standing in front of the bathroom mirror, staring blankly at myself.

It seems Winnie (my laptop’s pet name) is in a state of semi-permanent hibernation, and I can’t wake her. Read more

My special delivery to an Internet marketer

To: Cleanse Pro X
Subject: Kudos on your Internet marketing strategy

Crappy business tactics, deserve a crappy responseI would like to personally thank you for having one of your spam bots hack into my Twitter account. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that this said spam bot sent a direct message to every one of my Twitter followers, touting your Cleanse Pro X all natural colon cleansing formula pills.

Sure, it completely soiled my credibility and trust with these followers. But what does that matter, right? Besides, your little ploy worked: You got a new customer for your colon cleansing weight loss product - ME!!! Read more

This body is ready for the beach

To: Beachbody
Subject: So excited about my training results

So excited about my P90X body that I just had to show it offI recently purchased your wonderfully innovative P90X workout system, and I am totally excited about my results. That Tony guy really knows how to inspire me: He's zesty, he's fit and he's totally kick ass.

Attached you'll find a photo of me taken after two weeks of watching these videos. I was at the Cleveland Musclebound Meathead bodybuilding showcase and was so overcome with excitement that I hopped onstage, ripped off my clothes and began pumping and flexing my P90X-inspired body. Read more

The Goatee Saver gives me a great goatee...and horrific vomiting fits

To: Goatee Saver customer service
Subject: Slight problem with your product

If not for the vomiting, urinating and defecating, I'd love the Goatee SaverI recently purchased your revolutionary Goatee Saver, and I can’t seem to keep the cutting template in my mouth.

Ever since I tried to swallow an entire Tangy Taffy bar when I was seven years old, I have a violent gag reflex that is initiated whenever large objects are in my mouth for more than two seconds. Read more

Subliminal message: Oprah says "You're thinking Arby's"

To: Arby's web team
Subject: A way to make your web site more effective

Oprah says "You're thinking Arby's."I was recently clicking around on your Arby’s web site, looking for an explanation for why I always get diarrhea when I eat your curly fries. While I didn’t find an explanation for my pooping woes, I did find that your site is in dire need of my expert services.

You see, I’m an advertising copywriter with an expertise in subliminal messaging, and I think your site definitely needs some subliminalizing. Read more

I need to burn my body hair pile

To: Eastlake City Council
Subject: Would like to add an issue to the ballot

This could be my massive body hair pile on fire, but noooooooI am a resident who would like to get an issue added to the ballot for the upcoming election. I've been told that by law I am forbidden to burn any trash in my backyard, and that a violation of this law may result in a fine or worse - jail time.

This is understandable, as you guys probably would like to avoid fires accidentally spreading and the nauseating smell of burning plastics, diapers and other disgusting garbage. However, I have a particular need to have this law if not revoked, at least amended. Read more

Frito Lay snack bags - I found a few chips in there

To: Frito-Lay
Subject: Lack of quality control in your packaging

For 99 cents, you can get this wonderful air pillowI wanted to make you aware of the fact that your mechanized packaging system is doing a less than stellar job.

You see, I purchased one of your 99 cent Baked Lay’s air bags (I believe they are marketed as snack bags), and much to my chagrin, when I opened it, I found about 13 Baked Lay's chips inside.

This lack of quality control is quite appalling. Surely, your sophisticated packaging machinery needs to be re-calibrated. Read more

Spam - the miracle meat: whale blubber or pink, salted rubber?

To: Spam (produced by Hormel Foods Sales)
Subject: Help solve a frustrating dispute

Spam: the miracle meat-like substanceCan you settle a little dispute I’m having with my friend, Jed? I’ve told Jed a million times that Spam - the miracle meat is a nuclear-fused concoction that combines whale blubber, moisturized leather, and beaver tail byproducts with pink food coloring.

Jed vehemently disagrees and argues that Spam isn’t a meat at all. He’s convinced it is pink rubber blocks laced with a touch of seasoned salt and monkey sweat. Read more