Cleveland Browns rebirth tailgate party

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To: Cleveland Browns
Subject: Need help for my Browns rebirth tailgate party

After some hallucinogenic drugs & a dog birthing spectacle, this guy may once again believe!I don’t need to tell you that our precious Cleveland Browns aren’t having a great year. It’s been terrible thus far, really. But unlike the pessimistic goons on local sports radio, I feel that good things are about to happen for this team. Yes, I still believe!

To help promote my optimism to the beer swigging fans that inhabit the Dawg Pound, I’d like to host a “Browns rebirth” tailgate party in the parking lot of Cleveland Browns Stadium just before the upcoming Ravens game.

At this “Browns rebirth” tailgate party, I must admit that I plan to provide 17 kegs of beer, 3 dozen trays of marijuana-laced brownies and several varieties of hallucinogenic drugs. I’m hoping that you’ll cut me some slack on the narcotics, though… It’s kind of necessary to help me sell the whole “rebirth” message.

Obviously, the downtrodden fans will throw batteries or large rawhides at my head if I stand up on the back of a pick up truck and start spouting off “the Browns are gonna win.” But, if they’re tripping on acid or slobbering drunk, at least their aim will be off, and the possibility of them crushing my skull from blunt force trauma will be negated.

Of course, the narcotics will also help make the spectacle I am planning for the party a little more intense. You see, at the culmination of my “Browns are back, baby!” speech, I am going to induce my Saint Bernard dog to give birth to the litter of puppies she has been carting around in her belly.

Once the last puppy has plopped out of the womb, I shall dramatically proclaim to all of the dazed onlookers that “today, we have a new breed of Dawgs” or something to that effect…Then, I will hoist one of the puppies high above my head and begin barking like a dog.

This grandiose spectacle will allow me to do two very important things: Inspire angry Cleveland Browns fans to believe in this team once again and recreate the opening scene of the Lion King - a weird obsession of mine since 1994.

What I need from the Cleveland Browns is the following:

• permission to occupy four parking spots
• access to a microphone and PA system - so I can give my inspirational speech
• a biohazard certified garbage bag to clean up my dog’s placenta and afterbirth

Help me help you. Get back to me ASAP so I can get everything prepared for my “Browns rebirth” tailgate party.

In the middle of a wild hallucination that includes Bernie Kosar, naked/dancing NFL referees and talking goal posts,
John Farnswell