Cleveland Browns: pay my psychiatrist bill

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To: Cleveland Browns front office
Subject: Need a bill payed

So depressed I can only summon the strength to sulk against a wallDark gray clouds, death and devastation weigh down my worn out mind, but I have composed myself long enough to let you know that I am mailing you the bill for my latest emergency session with my psychiatrist.

Usually, my sessions revolve around my various psychological issues: manic depression, daddy/mommy issues, belief in the spiritual powers of Oprah Winfrey, etc. But this morning’s emotionally charged, 3-hour emergency session with my therapist was completely focused on the Cleveland Browns.

Look, yesterday was just horrible. I was doing fine until I watched the team play the hapless Denver Broncos. Their depressingly bad performance sent me into a downward spiral of uncontrollable sobbing, plummeting self-esteem, and obsessive/compulsive consumption of Cheez whiz.

Thankfully, my therapist talked me through the night and set up an emergency session for me this morning. Unfortunately, it was a rather expensive three hours: $375.

Since your team caused this most recent episode, I am sure you will agree that you should foot the bill. Especially since I am currently unemployed; I was laid off from my register clerk position at Giant Eagle supermarket after an insane outburst I had that basically culminated in me scanning my naked body in the self-checkout aisle and letting the motorized belt carry me three feet to the bagging area (Don‘t worry, in no way was this bizarre behavior related to the Cleveland Browns).

Any way, the bill is in the mail. But, I’m not sure that I sent it to the correct place. Can you please provide me with the mailing address for the Cleveland Browns accounting department? It would be one of the few things that could brighten my torment-filled day.

Listless and depressed,
John Farnswell