Please help my precious Winnie

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To: Compaq customer service
Subject: Emergency, f@#%ing emergency!!!!

The sadness of losing Winnie is only 1/2 as bad as the pain of not poopingI love my Compaq laptop. It’s been my single greatest purchase since I bought the movie “Idiocracy” on DVD in 2007. I just can’t live without it.

So naturally, when my beloved laptop, failed to boot up today, I reacted predictably: ripping off all my clothes in a fit of rage and then standing in front of the bathroom mirror, staring blankly at myself.

It seems Winnie (my laptop’s pet name) is in a state of semi-permanent hibernation, and I can’t wake her.

I’m just so lost. I used Winnie for almost every facet of my life - from using her as a tray to defrost frozen chicken in the microwave to smashing people in the knee caps with her during urban gang turf wars.

Dear God, it’s been just over an hour, and I am already having withdrawal symptoms from my inability to play entertaining midget tossing video games on my sweet little Winnie!

Every second that goes by, the prospect of living without Winnie becomes harder to bear. I mean when will I know when the latest penis enlargement spam ad arrives in my email inbox? Or how will I fill out my “pimple trending” spreadsheet? And then there’s my ever growing database of slang terms for genitalia. Without Winnie, I may lose words like "nugget pouch" or "dangleberries" forever.

Oh God, I can’t take this. Please help me. I refuse to eat, sleep or eliminate human waste from my body until Winnie is 100% healthy and functional again. Obviously, this doesn’t bode well for me, since pooping and gorging on McDonald’s french fries is a necessity for basic human existence.

So with much urgency, I ask you "can you please pass this on to your #1 best technical support guy so I can get Winnie up and running?" I don’t want some bozo with a lethargic attitude or something. This is my baby.

Hungry, tired and struggling not to poop,
John Farnswell

From: Anthony of HP Total Care
Subject: RE: Emergency!! F@#%ing emergency!!!

Hello John,

Thank you for contacting HP Total Care. From your e-mail I understand that you are an experiencing an issue with Notebook does boot up. I appreciate the fact that you have forwarded your concerns and given me a chance to assist you with this issue.

Please follow the steps given below to resolve your issue.
1. Disconnect any peripheral devices
a). Disconnect the USB device or any other connected hardware such as printer, scanner, camera, keyboard or mouse.
b). Reboot the notebook.

2. Hard Reset
To perform a hard reset, follow the steps below.
a). Unplug the AC adapter from the notebook PC and remove from any port replicator or docking station.
b). Remove the battery from the notebook battery compartment.
c). Press and hold down the power button for about 20 seconds.
d). Insert the battery and plug the AC adapter back into the notebook PC.
e). Press the power button to turn the notebook PC back on.
f). Use the arrow keys to highlight Start Windows Normally , if it is not already highlighted, and then press the enter key.

You can now use the notebook PC as usual.

3. Reseat the memory modules...

Sincerely,
Anthony
HP Total Care

From: Anthony of HP Total Care
Subject: RE: Emergency!! F@#$ing Emergency!!!

Hello John,

This is Anthony again from the e-mail support team from HP Total Care. I am personally following up with you concerning your recent e-mail.

We have not heard from you for a while and want to be sure that issue with your HP Product has been resolved or the query has been answered to your satisfaction. If not, please respond to us with a detailed description of the steps you have tried and the results. We will be happy to assist you further.

If you need further assistance, please reply and we will be happy to assist you further. You can mail us at any time. We work round the clock to assist our esteemed customers.

Sincerely,
Anthony
HP Total Care

To: Anthony of HP Total Care
Subject: RE: RE: Emergency!! F@#$ing emergency!!!

My dearest Anthony,

I thank you so much for diligently trying to save my beloved Winnie. Your quick response likely had the solution to my problem, but unfortunately by the time I was able to check my email, I had already cremated poor Winnie, thinking she were dead for good. Besides trying to hold back from pooping and chomping on Arby's popcorn chicken took a toll on my body.

While I am deeply saddened by her loss, you will be happy to know that I gave her a wonderful send off - I took her cremated remains and scooped them up with an empty 2-liter bottle of Coke, then I buried the 2-liter "urn" in my back yard as my Aunt Judy belted out "Amazing Grace."

Again, I applaud your efforts. I am so honored by your attempts to help that I cordially invite you to come visit the special "Winnie roadside memorial" I am erecting near the Goodwill store on Vine Street in Eastlake, Ohio. There, you can drop off flowers, view pictures of Winnie and sign the guestbook.

If you can't make it out here to Ohio, you can sign the electronic petition to have the Cleveland Browns wear a "WMYW" (We Miss You Winnie) patch on their uniforms. I need another 53,100 signatures before it will even be considered by the NFL.

Or, perhaps you can champion my request to have Compaq insert a ten second moment of silence for Winnie in every radio and tv ad they play from now until this time next year. A sponsor inside the company may go a long way to helping this thing become a reality.

i look forward to your help in these matters and thank you again for your attempts to save my precious Winnie.

Grieving and stuff,
John Farnswell