Progressive Insurance boot camp

PrintE-mail

To: Progressive Insurance human resources management
Subject: A seminar for Progressive's problem employees

Inspirational Sergeant CalhoonWhat types of work efficiency seminars do you offer to Progressive Insurance employees - particularly those employees who have underperformed, been insubordinate or missed their quotas?

You see, I offer a very intense and effective seminar that can turn “problem employees” into company superstars - guaranteed!

My seminar is modeled after reformative boot camp’s like the ones seen on reputable talk shows like Maury Povich and Dr. Phil. In those boot camps, profanity-spewing, violently abusive, pot-smoking teens are treated to military discipline and eventually transform into less profane, less abusive, pot-smoking teens.

I do the same thing for lethargic and ineffective corporate employees. My seminars start off with retired Marine sergeant John T. Calhoon angrily storming into the conference room and literally screaming in the faces of the terrified employees.

He then systematically breaks down each and every employee with vicious verbal assaults that leave the employees a sobbing, demoralized wreck.

After squashing the employees’ self-esteem, Calhoon re-trains the employees to perform their contracted duties the right way. Even the tiniest mistake is met with overwhelming sarcasm, criticism and maniacal threats of violence.

Finally, after each employee has shown that they can perform their tasks at the required efficiency level, an explosive device is fastened around their ankles and remains there for a probationary 30-day period. If the employee makes a mistake of any kind the explosive detonates - blasting away the lower half of that employee’s leg.

Throughout the entire seminar, I lecture through a megaphone, spouting off about personal responsibility and the consequences of failure. I also play music with subliminal messages that tell the employees that "failure to perform work duties is punishable by torture and dismemberment."

The message must be well received, because the results from this seminar have been stunning! After an employee attends one of these seminars (and stops crying uncontrollably), he or she almost always performs tasks with 100% accuracy.

Would you like to have me and Sgt. Calhoon conduct a boot camp at the Progressive headquarters? Need more information? Please respond to this email as soon as possible, so we can turn around those lazy, obstinate and useless employees once and for all.

Full of discipline,
John Farnswell