The efficient mall Santa

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To: Mall of America human resources department
Subject: I'm your Santa

Your five seconds are up. Now get off my lap!The Christmas season is rapidly approaching, and I'd like to apply for the position of mall Santa.

I'm unusually good with kids. I think it's the disciplinarian in me. I ward off insolence from children the right way: through the use of swift and aggressive humiliation. I find that it's the quickest way to shut a bratty kid up.

Once I've put them in their place with really biting and personally insulting remarks, kids tend to do exactly as I tell them - after crying for ten minutes or so.

Obviously, this will come in handy as a mall Santa. The Mall of America needs an orderly process to ensure that thousands of kids a day get their picture taken on Santa's lap. With me in the white beard and fat suit, you can be damn sure that we'll get those runny-nosed kids in and out as fast as possible.

That's right! There will be no long-winded dialogue that culminates in the child revealing what he or she wants for Christmas. It takes too long and with the swine flu spreading like mad, can actually be dangerous.

Instead, each child who sits on my Santa lap will have the following, time-efficient experience:

ME: “What's up, kid?”
KID: “Hi, San...”
ME: “Shut up and smile for the camera.”
(camera's bulb flashes)
KID: “I want a...”
ME: “NEXT!!!!!”
(Kid is heaved off my lap and pushed by a bulky elf toward the exit)

The entire process will take no more than 5 seconds per child. Now that's efficiency.

Where do I submit my resume online? Also, I noticed that all of your applications for positions in the Mall of America ask if the applicant has ever been convicted of a felony. Since I will likely need to apply for this job, I just want to be sure: You are asking if I have ever been convicted of a felony and not whether I have ever committed a felony, correct? It's kind of an important distinction.

Hoping to be your most efficient Santa ever,
John Farnswell

P.S. I know that your mall likes to be inclusive of all religions during the holiday season. With that in mind, I am also willing to dress up as David Koresh so all the children of Branch Davidian cult members can have their picture taken with me.