Aug
31
Plastic surgery so I can look like Tom Cruise laughing
Submitted by John Farnswell on August 31, 2009 - 11:30am
To: Dr. Daniel Medalie
Subject: Inquery about a plastic surgery procedure
The Tom Cruise face I want for HalloweenI have a procedure I would like performed in the next several weeks, and I was hoping to get a quote and a little bit of information from you.
I want to have extensive plastic surgery to make my face look like Tom Cruise laughing. This procedure is very time sensitive – as I would like to unveil my hilarious new Tom Cruise laughing face at my company Halloween party on October 27, 2009. Without a doubt, I’d take home the “best costume” prize once and for all. Read more
Aug
31
In Touch news coverage nearly stained my new Hanes boxer briefs!
Submitted by John Farnswell on August 31, 2009 - 11:18am
To: In Touch Weekly magazine's customer service department
Subject: Emergency cleanup kit proposal
The stunning issue of In Touch WeeklyAfter a dangerously close call I recently experienced while in line at a Giant Eagle supermarket, I have a suggestion that will help prevent your readers from having embarrassing scenes while reading your magazine.
To better understand my forthcoming suggestion, let me first tell you what prompted it - I'm standing in line at Giant Eagle. Bored, my eyes are drawn to your August 31 issue. Almost instantly, my entire gastrointestinal system spasmed from the earth-shaking news: Tom and Katie had the fight of all fights! Read more
Aug
31
The Walmart in Eastlake terrifies me
Submitted by John Farnswell on August 31, 2009 - 11:10am
To: Walmart customer service
Subject: Complaint about the Eastlake, Ohio Walmart
Dear Mr. Walmart:
I'm writing you today to express a grave concern of mine: While I know that your corporate policy espouses multi-cultural sensitivity and inclusion, I feel that Walmart doesn't go far enough in marketing and providing positive customer experiences to my people. Read more
Aug
28
Carl Monday needs a mustache perm
Submitted by John Farnswell on August 28, 2009 - 9:21am
To: Carl Monday
Subject: Avid watcher needs your help
Mock up of Carl Monday's permed mustacheI would first like to thank you for the investigative reporting you have done in the Cleveland area over the last 15 or more years.
I am writing you today to ask for a big favor. I have applied and been turned down three times in my quest to be accepted to the prestigious ABI School of Barbery and Cosmetology in New York. Each time they reject me, they say I don’t show a “vision for the future of barbery.” Read more
Aug
27
New state flag for Ohio? Oh hell yeah!
Submitted by John Farnswell on August 27, 2009 - 9:37pm
To: State Representative Lorraine Fende
Subject: Proposal to help Ohio's budget problems
New state flag proposed for OhioI write you today with an idea that I think will help Ohio severely reduce its budget woes for years to come. You see, I have worked for about 47.5 hours on a redesign of the Ohio state flag. I am sure you will find it visually appealing, yet simple and heartfelt (see the attached jpeg image).
This redesign will be such a wonderful source of income. Think about: every school, municipal building and prison in Ohio will need to purchase a new flag to hoist up on a flag pole. If the state manufactures them, the state can reap the profits. Read more
