Sep
30
Spam - the miracle meat: whale blubber or pink, salted rubber?
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 30, 2009 - 11:11am
To: Spam (produced by Hormel Foods Sales)
Subject: Help solve a frustrating dispute
Spam: the miracle meat-like substanceCan you settle a little dispute I’m having with my friend, Jed? I’ve told Jed a million times that Spam - the miracle meat is a nuclear-fused concoction that combines whale blubber, moisturized leather, and beaver tail byproducts with pink food coloring.
Jed vehemently disagrees and argues that Spam isn’t a meat at all. He’s convinced it is pink rubber blocks laced with a touch of seasoned salt and monkey sweat. Read more
Sep
29
Bejeweled Blitz has made me bi-polar
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 29, 2009 - 4:49pm
To: Developers of Bejeweled Blitz
Subject: Need help with a Bejeweled Blitz issue
Bejeweled Blitz - oh how you've changed me.Your amazing Bejeweled Blitz game is so much fun. I love it. The game play is intense. The graphics are great. The game itself is challenging. Again, I love it.
I must admit, though, that since I started playing your game on Facebook, there have been some pretty profound changes in me. First, there’s the acute muscle atrophy in my buttocks and hamstrings from spending 15 hours a day in an office chair, furiously playing your game. I can barely stand erect. Read more
Sep
28
Bring back the Bernie Kosar perm
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 28, 2009 - 9:46am
To: Bernie Kosar
Subject: Fan in need of your assistance
Life was better when Bernie Kosar had permed hairI write you today on bended knee, begging for your help. It’s been a tough last few weeks for me – Wikipedia deleted my self-promotional Wikipedia page, I nearly bled to death after shaving with a Gillette Sensor razor and my genitals have looked funny since I started taking Zenerx … It’s depressing.
I’m stressed out too. I watch the Cleveland Browns on Sunday, and I just want to scream, throw my television through a window, and suffocate myself in a giant pool of peanut butter. Read more
Sep
27
The death of the informative John Farnswell Wikipedia page
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 27, 2009 - 9:57am
To: "Frank" - Wikipedia administrator
Subject: Deletion of the John Farnswell Wikipedia page
Wikipedia - You just pissed off the wrong Fruit Gusher enthusiastI am stunned and hurt by your deletion of my John Farnswell Wikipedia page. I am an up-and-coming Cleveland-based humor writer. My web site 13emails.com has made dozens of people giggle and possibly even laugh, yet you feel I am not "important or significant" enough to be included in your encyclopedia? Read more
Sep
25
The Gillette Sensor massacre
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 25, 2009 - 1:00pm
To: Gillette customer help center
Subject: Feedback and questions about your Gillette Sensor razors
Gillette Sensor makes my blood flow!I’ve been shaving now since I was 15, and I must say that your Gillette Sensor razors are the best I have ever used. My facial hair follicles are thick and uncompromising, but those razors of yours do the trick. Kudos on that!
Unfortunately, the Gillette Sensor razors also do a magnificent job of slicing tiny cuts in my face that bleed for hours. You see, I just got done shaving and as I sit here, dark red droplets are splashing onto my laptop keyboard.
Am I doing something wrong here? Read more
Sep
24
The Zenerx, Viagra and Gas-X fiasco
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 24, 2009 - 12:05pm
To: Zenerx customer care
Subject: Concerns about my Zenerx medication
Thanks Zenerx, now my unit looks like the Toxic AvengerAfter receiving hundreds of insightful spam emails touting the benefits of penis enlargement, I decided to try your Zenerx “male enhancement” pills. To my surprise, your pills worked! I saw almost immediate growth, and that growth has continued.
In fact, I now feel that I may be too “enhanced”… This thing is huge (picture a cross between a baby elephant’s trunk and one of those fat, red whiffleball bats)! Read more
Sep
22
Progressive Insurance boot camp
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 22, 2009 - 10:25pm
To: Progressive Insurance human resources management
Subject: A seminar for Progressive's problem employees
Inspirational Sergeant CalhoonWhat types of work efficiency seminars do you offer to Progressive Insurance employees - particularly those employees who have underperformed, been insubordinate or missed their quotas?
You see, I offer a very intense and effective seminar that can turn “problem employees” into company superstars - guaranteed! Read more
Sep
21
Cleveland Browns: pay my psychiatrist bill
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 21, 2009 - 12:20pm
To: Cleveland Browns front office
Subject: Need a bill payed
So depressed I can only summon the strength to sulk against a wallDark gray clouds, death and devastation weigh down my worn out mind, but I have composed myself long enough to let you know that I am mailing you the bill for my latest emergency session with my psychiatrist.
Usually, my sessions revolve around my various psychological issues: manic depression, daddy/mommy issues, belief in the spiritual powers of Oprah Winfrey, etc. But this morning’s emotionally charged, 3-hour emergency session with my therapist was completely focused on the Cleveland Browns. Read more
Sep
20
The Eric Freeman-inspired eye brow acting workshop
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 20, 2009 - 8:49pm
To: The Actors Studio
Subject: Inquiry about putting on a free workshop at the Actor's Studio
Eric Freeman's eye browsI'm writing your prestigious school to see if you'd be interested in a free workshop that I think would be ideal for your students. I put on one hour workshops here in Cleveland that introduce and demonstrate the Eric Freeman-inspired eye brow acting method.
This workshop has been a hit here, and the eye brow acting it presents has been instrumental in my performances in a local production of the "Vagina Monologues" and in my big screen debut in Spiderman 3 as "Man on street looking up #7." Read more
Sep
17
Wendy's boneless chicken wings fixed my libido
Submitted by John Farnswell on September 17, 2009 - 9:16pm
To: Wendy's customer support
Subject: Loving the boneless chicken wings
Dear Wendy:
My libido and I would like to thank you for now offering your delicious new boneless chicken wings. For too long, I've ingested your chicken nuggets and found myself hours later seized with gastrointestinal cramping, horrifically bad breath and a marked decrease in sexual urges.
Now, with those awesome boneless chicken wings, I have no cramping, fairly decent smelling breath and my sexual urges are at an all time high. I'm like a slobbering sexaholic thanks to you. Good stuff.
You're the best,
John Farnswell
