Oct
30
Oprah - so, so cruel
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 30, 2009 - 11:21am
To: O Magazine
Subject: How could Oprah be so cruel
Yeah, that's Oprah Winfrey openly laughing at me againOprah is heartless. Yeah, I said it -OPRAH IS HEARTLESS.
Sure, she builds school for impoverished children, donates countless millions to charities and gives talentless imbeciles like Dr. Phil and Rachel Ray television shows. But, for some reason, she chooses to humiliate a lowly commoner like me every single month.
Oh don’t deny it! I know when someone is laughing at me and making fun of me: I HAVE been through middle school, you know. Read more
Oct
29
My special delivery to an Internet marketer
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 29, 2009 - 10:21am
To: Cleanse Pro X
Subject: Kudos on your Internet marketing strategy
Crappy business tactics, deserve a crappy responseI would like to personally thank you for having one of your spam bots hack into my Twitter account. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that this said spam bot sent a direct message to every one of my Twitter followers, touting your Cleanse Pro X all natural colon cleansing formula pills.
Sure, it completely soiled my credibility and trust with these followers. But what does that matter, right? Besides, your little ploy worked: You got a new customer for your colon cleansing weight loss product - ME!!! Read more
Oct
28
Inflatable lawn decoration hunting season
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 28, 2009 - 1:33pm
To: Ohio Department of Natural Resources (Division of Wildlife)
Subject: Inflatable lawn decoration hunting season
My next hunting excursion will target these pestsPerhaps you can settle a dispute I am having with my Aunt Judy. She claims that I am breaking hunting laws, and I think she's misinformed.
You see, every year around this time, I hunt around my suburban Cleveland neighborhood. Don't worry: I don't shoot raccoons, squirrels or deer or anything like that. Instead, I stalk around town picking off inflatable lawn decorations that are propped up in my neighbors' front lawns. Read more
Oct
26
This body is ready for the beach
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 26, 2009 - 10:03am
To: Beachbody
Subject: So excited about my training results
So excited about my P90X body that I just had to show it offI recently purchased your wonderfully innovative P90X workout system, and I am totally excited about my results. That Tony guy really knows how to inspire me: He's zesty, he's fit and he's totally kick ass.
Attached you'll find a photo of me taken after two weeks of watching these videos. I was at the Cleveland Musclebound Meathead bodybuilding showcase and was so overcome with excitement that I hopped onstage, ripped off my clothes and began pumping and flexing my P90X-inspired body. Read more
Oct
24
Old Hickory knives - real life product placement
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 24, 2009 - 10:43am
To: Old Hickory
Subject: Marketing idea for Old Hickory butcher's knives
Ingenius product placement in the Halloween moviesI recently noticed the ingenius product placement of your 8" Old Hickory butcher's knife in the movies Psycho, the Shining and Halloween. Kudos to you on the incredible marketing foresight to have your product included in such movie classics.
While it probably boosted your sales incredibly to have your butcher's knife seen (and used) on the big screen, I think I can get even better results for you. Read more
Oct
22
The Goatee Saver gives me a great goatee...and horrific vomiting fits
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 22, 2009 - 7:33pm
To: Goatee Saver customer service
Subject: Slight problem with your product
If not for the vomiting, urinating and defecating, I'd love the Goatee SaverI recently purchased your revolutionary Goatee Saver, and I can’t seem to keep the cutting template in my mouth.
Ever since I tried to swallow an entire Tangy Taffy bar when I was seven years old, I have a violent gag reflex that is initiated whenever large objects are in my mouth for more than two seconds. Read more
Oct
20
Subliminal message: Oprah says "You're thinking Arby's"
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 20, 2009 - 4:11pm
To: Arby's web team
Subject: A way to make your web site more effective
Oprah says "You're thinking Arby's."I was recently clicking around on your Arby’s web site, looking for an explanation for why I always get diarrhea when I eat your curly fries. While I didn’t find an explanation for my pooping woes, I did find that your site is in dire need of my expert services.
You see, I’m an advertising copywriter with an expertise in subliminal messaging, and I think your site definitely needs some subliminalizing. Read more
Oct
19
I want to cruise town in my new cupcake car
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 19, 2009 - 10:07am
To: David Albrecht of ODOT
Subject: My new cupcake car
ODOT won't let me drive my new cupcake carIn an effort to reduce carbon emissions, save on gasoline costs and look totally kick ass, I recently purchased a Customized Cupcake Car sold by Neiman Marcus.
This massive drivable cupcake is probably the coolest thing I've ever bought. Unfortunately, state laws prohibit me from driving the damned thing on the streets! This is incredibly frustrating; especially since I forked out $25,000 for this thing. Read more
Oct
17
Depressing candlelight vigil to mourn the loss of my dignity
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 17, 2009 - 11:55am
To: The Columbus Dispatch news editor
Subject: Depressing candlelight vigil planned
Light this candle and look sad for the cameraI contact you out of great sorrow and despair to let you know of a candlelight vigil that will be taking place outside the Walmart at 2700 Bethel Road in Columbus on Saturday October 24.
This emotional, depressing event will allow for me and several Farnswell family members to show their condolences for a heartbreaking loss the Farnswell family has suffered: the loss of my dignity. Read more
Oct
15
Ward off H1N1 in style
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 15, 2009 - 9:37am
To: JCPenney purchasing
Subject: A product that can help protect your customers
Sassy, self-expressing H1N1 protectionThe H1N1 virus is such a scary thing. Why not help JCPenney customers battle this terrifying scourge in a way that shows their sassy individuality? It's easy! Simply stock the latest product by Farnswell Swine Flu Protection Gear, Inc.: The H1N1 Extreme Face Mask!
The Extreme Face Mask combines the absurdly dull but effective germophobe face mask with the indelibly cute, cartoon-like sketches of hash-smoking college dropout Robby Dango (best known for his pot leaf graffiti on several bridges in Chicago's North side). Read more
