The next episode of Dr. Phil: John Farnswell & the brown t-shirt effect!

PrintE-mail

To: The producers of the Dr. Phil show
Subject: I would make an ideal guest on Dr. Phil

"John Farnswell, YOU are a douche bag"I think I would make for a great guest on the Dr. Phil show. In particular, I think I would be ideal for the episode you will soon be filming entitled “Embarrassed and Feel Like You're the Only One?”

Ever since college, perhaps my single greatest talent has been growing body hair. I’ll admit those first few strands that popped up around my nipples and chest were a source of pride. They were a sign that I was finally becoming a man.

But soon my excitement turned to horror as my chest hair slowly spread, annexing more and more regions of my body.

Now, I’m 34, and the constant hair production leaves me feeling like I am the only person in the world suffering from what I like to call “the brown t-shirt effect” - the embarrassment felt when I take off my shirt at the beach and everyone there thinks I’m wearing a brown t-shirt.

In my younger years, I valiantly fought back the body hair expansion with a razor and some shaving cream. But in recent years, I have grown too lazy and cynical. Why bother?

So today, my body functions as an unregulated, incredibly efficient body hair factory. Everywhere hair grows quicker and thicker - except for where I actually want it: my scalp. Even on 90 degree August days, I walk around town in a turtle neck sweater and pants - just so no one catches a glimpse of my Chewbacca body.

It’s so embarrassing, Dr. Phil. I am miserable and hot most of my miserable existence.

I’m hoping you can use your incredible wisdom to help me get over this embarrassment and self loathing nonsense. I have provided my contact information for you to follow up.

Growing hairier by the minute,
John Farnswell

P.S. I would also be willing to appear on a Dr. Phil episode entitled “My genitals look like engorged raisins,” but that doesn’t appear to be on your list of upcoming episode topics.