I need to burn my body hair pile

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To: Eastlake City Council
Subject: Would like to add an issue to the ballot

This could be my massive body hair pile on fire, but noooooooI am a resident who would like to get an issue added to the ballot for the upcoming election. I've been told that by law I am forbidden to burn any trash in my backyard, and that a violation of this law may result in a fine or worse - jail time.

This is understandable, as you guys probably would like to avoid fires accidentally spreading and the nauseating smell of burning plastics, diapers and other disgusting garbage. However, I have a particular need to have this law if not revoked, at least amended.

You see, I can no longer trim my body hair in the shower. The massive wad of hair follicles from my chest, stomach and other nefarious regions clogs the shower drain and requires so much Liquid Drain-o, hydrochloric acid and M-80 explosives to dislodge from the pipes that the cost is making me border on bankruptcy.

I surely can't go without cropping my body hair, because if there's one thing we Farnswells are good at, it is growing thick, sweaty body hair. So, currently, I shave myself outside in the backyard. It's quite easy: I get a long extension cord, attach it to sheep sheers, strip naked and just shave away. I do this about once every three days.

You'd think the problem was solved, but nooooo. My rather snooty neighbor has complained to me about the enormous body hair mound that sits in the middle of my yard. She was fine with it until a large gust of wind blew some of that hair into her margarita and her children's ice cream cones as they hosted a summer cookout jamboree.

The only solution I can think of is for me to douse that mini-body hair mountain with lighter fluid and burn it to smithereens. But, apparently it would violate your no garbage burning law.

So, I've developed the following issue that I would like to have placed on the Eastlake ballot for the Nov. election:

Issue 10 - An issue that would allow for the burning of small to medium-sized body hair piles.

Who do I see to get this issue added to the ballot?

Staring at the hair pile in my backyard,
John Farnswell