Ummm I'm calling in sick - for the next 2 months

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To: Progressive Insurance's human resource department
Subject: Won't be making it in to work today

Sick and emotionally unfit for work - really!Hi, this is Michael in Claims. I’m not gonna come in to work today. I’m not feeling good and what not. My stomach is kind of gurgling, and I have a headache. I’m thinking it might be swine flu or something.

Also, I’m not gonna be coming in tomorrow or next week either. My grandma’s sick and in the hospital, and I’m really emotional about the whole thing.

I guess I should probably tell you that I’m probably not gonna be coming in the week of December 7 either. The emotional turmoil from not feeling well and my grandma being in the hospital will probably be too much for me to handle, and I’ll need some time to recuperate.

I anticipate coming back strong, working my way back into the swing of things, but my work-anxiety-disorder sometimes gets way out of control. With that said, it’d probably be best to kind of ease me back into my role. Maybe I can come in half days and give presentations to different departments about overcoming stress and depression and crap like that.

Obviously, I’ll be out the holiday season, and during the week of Jan 4 I’m taking a week’s vacation to Las Vegas – where hopefully a steady diet of escorts and mescaline will get me revved up for a year of kicking ass, and taking claims.

Of course, it might be good to tell you now that my addiction to hard drugs and hookers will likely get me sent to Laurelwood’s rehab center during the weeks of Jan 11, 18 and 25.

I’m not really sure what’s going on in Feb, but will definitely pass it along when I find out.

Any way, being a conscientious Progressive employee, I just wanted to let you know. This will all be legit – I’ll have a note from my grandma’s doctor, my psychiatrist and Suzy (my favorite Vegas hooker).

If you could pass this on to my manager for me, I’d greatly appreciate it – he’s kind of a dick, and he always gives me a hard time when I call in sick.

With kind regards,
Michael