Subliminal message: Oprah says "You're thinking Arby's"

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To: Arby's web team
Subject: A way to make your web site more effective

Oprah says "You're thinking Arby's."I was recently clicking around on your Arby’s web site, looking for an explanation for why I always get diarrhea when I eat your curly fries. While I didn’t find an explanation for my pooping woes, I did find that your site is in dire need of my expert services.

You see, I’m an advertising copywriter with an expertise in subliminal messaging, and I think your site definitely needs some subliminalizing.

How do I subliminalize, you ask? Basically, I take web sites and work in hidden messages into the layout, text and graphics in a way that maximizes companies’ persuasiveness. The process is alarmingly simple - add some hidden text here, play an audio file in the 20 kHz frequency there, and sprinkle in some bizarrely provocative photographs and BINGO, you’ll have mindless zombies buying your product over and over and over again.

Usually, I use subliminal messages to equate whatever product I am promoting with sex, but for Arby’s, I will go one step further: I will equate your food with the loving-kindness of the great, righteous and all powerful Oprah Winfrey.

How could this be better than sell better than sex, you ask? Think about it: An Oprah stamp of approval is a one way ticket to millions of new, repeating customers. Just look at what the Oprah Book Club does for the books it chooses. Even the most ridiculous drivel becomes a best seller (A Million Little Pieces comes to mind). Make Arby’s Oprah-approved, and it’s a sure-fire way to increase sales.

Of course, since she likely also gets the runs from your tasty curly fries, I doubt she’ll allow you to use her name to sell your food. But, that’s the beauty of subliminal messaging! Plausible deniability. We'll covertly stick her fabricated approval of Arby's food into the web site.

They’ll say “I am pretty sure that I see a faint picture of Oprah wolfing down a large roast beef sandwich,” and you could just be like “What? That’s the drop shadow from our logo.”

Are you seeing my point here? Who can I contact at your corporate offices to get my subliminal messages on your web site? Get back to me ASAP.

Oprah says "Give Mr. Farnswell anything he wants,"
John Farnswell

P.S. Did you feel that? That was my subliminal messaging. I’m good. Huh?