Nov
24
Ummm I'm calling in sick - for the next 2 months
Submitted by John Farnswell on November 24, 2009 - 12:12pm
To: Progressive Insurance's human resource department
Subject: Won't be making it in to work today
Sick and emotionally unfit for work - really!Hi, this is Michael in Claims. I’m not gonna come in to work today. I’m not feeling good and what not. My stomach is kind of gurgling, and I have a headache. I’m thinking it might be swine flu or something.
Also, I’m not gonna be coming in tomorrow or next week either. My grandma’s sick and in the hospital, and I’m really emotional about the whole thing. Read more
Nov
19
Hydrochloric acid and Finesse shampoo - a bad combination
Submitted by John Farnswell on November 19, 2009 - 1:20pm
To: Finesse shampoo
Subject: Problem with your shampoo
At least I don't have to worry about dandruff any moreI know. I know. You should always follow the directions on a bottle of shampoo.
But, I’ve got dandruff like you wouldn’t believe. We’re talking frosted flake-sized dandruff here. So, I thought to get rid of dandruff once and for all, it might help to give your Finesse shampoo a little extra kick: 23 milligrams of hydrochloric acid.
In hindsight, this was a little foolish. I should have known when I saw the melting bottle and nauseous fumes. As I was washing my hair with the acid-spiked shampoo, it actually felt kind of good – at first. Read more
Nov
18
The efficient mall Santa
Submitted by John Farnswell on November 18, 2009 - 1:30pm
To: Mall of America human resources department
Subject: I'm your Santa
Your five seconds are up. Now get off my lap!The Christmas season is rapidly approaching, and I'd like to apply for the position of mall Santa.
I'm unusually good with kids. I think it's the disciplinarian in me. I ward off insolence from children the right way: through the use of swift and aggressive humiliation. I find that it's the quickest way to shut a bratty kid up.
Once I've put them in their place with really biting and personally insulting remarks, kids tend to do exactly as I tell them - after crying for ten minutes or so. Read more
Nov
9
Cleveland Browns rebirth tailgate party
Submitted by John Farnswell on November 9, 2009 - 2:05pm
To: Cleveland Browns
Subject: Need help for my Browns rebirth tailgate party
After some hallucinogenic drugs & a dog birthing spectacle, this guy may once again believe!I don’t need to tell you that our precious Cleveland Browns aren’t having a great year. It’s been terrible thus far, really. But unlike the pessimistic goons on local sports radio, I feel that good things are about to happen for this team. Yes, I still believe!
To help promote my optimism to the beer swigging fans that inhabit the Dawg Pound, I’d like to host a “Browns rebirth” tailgate party in the parking lot of Cleveland Browns Stadium just before the upcoming Ravens game. Read more
Nov
5
The next episode of Dr. Phil: John Farnswell & the brown t-shirt effect!
Submitted by John Farnswell on November 5, 2009 - 8:42pm
To: The producers of the Dr. Phil show
Subject: I would make an ideal guest on Dr. Phil
"John Farnswell, YOU are a douche bag"I think I would make for a great guest on the Dr. Phil show. In particular, I think I would be ideal for the episode you will soon be filming entitled “Embarrassed and Feel Like You're the Only One?”
Ever since college, perhaps my single greatest talent has been growing body hair. I’ll admit those first few strands that popped up around my nipples and chest were a source of pride. They were a sign that I was finally becoming a man.
But soon my excitement turned to horror as my chest hair slowly spread, annexing more and more regions of my body. Read more
Nov
4
The Hawaii Chair has a side effect
Submitted by John Farnswell on November 4, 2009 - 1:48pm
To: Perfect USA
Subject: My hips won't stop rotating
The Hawaii Chair: Who knew pretending to exercise could be so fun?I've been using your Hawaii Chair for some time now, and I'm convinced that it is the most awesome pseudo-ab workout since the AbGymnic electro-shock belt.
I'm proud to admit that I am most likely your best customer. I have Hawaii Chairs in my office cubicle, at my dining room table and in my "sexual liaison / adult swinger" themed basement. Read more
Nov
2
Please help my precious Winnie
Submitted by John Farnswell on November 2, 2009 - 2:57pm
To: Compaq customer service
Subject: Emergency, f@#%ing emergency!!!!
The sadness of losing Winnie is only 1/2 as bad as the pain of not poopingI love my Compaq laptop. It’s been my single greatest purchase since I bought the movie “Idiocracy” on DVD in 2007. I just can’t live without it.
So naturally, when my beloved laptop, failed to boot up today, I reacted predictably: ripping off all my clothes in a fit of rage and then standing in front of the bathroom mirror, staring blankly at myself.
It seems Winnie (my laptop’s pet name) is in a state of semi-permanent hibernation, and I can’t wake her. Read more
Oct
30
Oprah - so, so cruel
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 30, 2009 - 11:21am
To: O Magazine
Subject: How could Oprah be so cruel
Yeah, that's Oprah Winfrey openly laughing at me againOprah is heartless. Yeah, I said it -OPRAH IS HEARTLESS.
Sure, she builds school for impoverished children, donates countless millions to charities and gives talentless imbeciles like Dr. Phil and Rachel Ray television shows. But, for some reason, she chooses to humiliate a lowly commoner like me every single month.
Oh don’t deny it! I know when someone is laughing at me and making fun of me: I HAVE been through middle school, you know. Read more
Oct
29
My special delivery to an Internet marketer
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 29, 2009 - 10:21am
To: Cleanse Pro X
Subject: Kudos on your Internet marketing strategy
Crappy business tactics, deserve a crappy responseI would like to personally thank you for having one of your spam bots hack into my Twitter account. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that this said spam bot sent a direct message to every one of my Twitter followers, touting your Cleanse Pro X all natural colon cleansing formula pills.
Sure, it completely soiled my credibility and trust with these followers. But what does that matter, right? Besides, your little ploy worked: You got a new customer for your colon cleansing weight loss product - ME!!! Read more
Oct
26
This body is ready for the beach
Submitted by John Farnswell on October 26, 2009 - 10:03am
To: Beachbody
Subject: So excited about my training results
So excited about my P90X body that I just had to show it offI recently purchased your wonderfully innovative P90X workout system, and I am totally excited about my results. That Tony guy really knows how to inspire me: He's zesty, he's fit and he's totally kick ass.
Attached you'll find a photo of me taken after two weeks of watching these videos. I was at the Cleveland Musclebound Meathead bodybuilding showcase and was so overcome with excitement that I hopped onstage, ripped off my clothes and began pumping and flexing my P90X-inspired body. Read more
